I Remember LA
by Darla Kane
Summary: Years after Cordelia left L.A., she's on her way back and thinks about the past.


title: "I Remember L.A."  
  
author: Darla Kane  
  
e-mail: DarlaB@gmx.de  
  
website: http://www.angelic-art.de.vu  
  
distribution: Angelic Art & Fiction, AI, ff.net, Nothing Fancy - anyone else just ask! :)  
  
rating: PG  
  
disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters - they all belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, 20th Century Fox etc., the song "I Remember L.A." belongs to Celine Dion, Tony Coltron and Richard Wold.  
  
spoilers: everything up to "Rain Of Fire", I think - from there on the whole thing is mine. :)  
  
summary: Years after Cordelia left L.A., she's on her way back and thinks about what happened in the past.  
  
feedback: Feed me!  
  
A/N: I know I should be finishing some of my other stories instead of writing a new one, but I can't get this idea out of my head - neither that song where the title comes from. BTW, thanks to EosReia for making this wonderful music video that inspired me in the first place!  
  
  
  
I remember L.A. Seems a lifetime ago...  
  
Cordelia put the headphones down. How fitting that this song was on the playlist while she was on her way back... back to L.A. It really seemed a lifetime ago. Ten years had gone by since she left. She had never considered coming back and hell, even now she wasn't sure why she had bought that damn plane ticket.  
  
Her eyes drifted out of the window. Everything was so peaceful and in harmony up here. She still remembered when her life had also been like that. When she was happy. When she had a family... a family she had never imagined she would find.  
  
After graduation she decided to leave Sunnydale and make something out of her life. It wasn't as easy as she had thought and she was struggling just to make it through - but always smiling on the outside 'cause that was the only way to become a star in the City of Angels... Who would have guessed that an angel might change her life again?  
  
She wouldn't have admitted it back then but it had been nice to stumble across a familiar face in this big town - even if it had been Buffy's freakish ex-boyfriend. But freak or not, he saved her from another vampire the next night, and they became friends during the following years, closer than friends. They became a family taking care of each other... and in the end they even became more than just that.  
  
Funny how a single decision can shake your whole world apart - and funny how blind a single person can be... It was strange. How could she not have noticed the way Angel looked at her so often? How deeply he cared for her? It *never* came to her mind that he might actually be in love with *her*. Angel was off limits - not only because of the curse or because he was a vampire... but a thought like that really *never* entered her concious thinking. Alright, she had to admit he was handsome but he was just a friend - and that was all she wanted. Besides, she never doubted that he was still Buffy's and always would be. After three years of working with him she should have known better, after having seen his change from quiet and brooding vampire to smiling and happy father, she should have realized that he had really started to move on and let go of his past. Still she hadn't...  
  
Instead she fell for a guy who had literally jumped dimensions just to be with her. Who wouldn't be impressed by that? And though she didn't talk about it, she felt lonely. Sure, they all had each other, their little family of Gunn, Wesley, Fred, Connor, Angel and her - but at the end of the day her only companion was just a ghost. Could anyone blame her that she wanted more than that? She'd been truely happy when Groo showed up. It seemed like loneliness was finally coming to an end and she had found 'the one'. So she failed to see the pain in Angel's eyes when he let her go... Maybe he had thought of that saying, 'If you love something, let if free. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be.', maybe he had thought she would never love him back anyway... or maybe he had just thought it was for the better. She didn't know - and back then she hadn't given it much thought. She went on vacation with Groo and they really had a wonderful time. He was so sweet and did everything for her. She almost felt like a princess and as if her dreams of a perfect life were coming true... only to find a wreckage of the life of her family when she came back home. Connor was gone, so was Wesley - and Angel... He was a man who lost the one thing he'd never thought he could have. It was as if the whole place was filled with pain and sadness. Right then her only aim was to be there for Angel, to help him through his grief. It was like a miracle for everyone when Connor came back and they all were glad that he slowly seemed to get comfortable living with his father. Cordy and Angel still spent hours just talking and the whole team realized how strong their bond had become - even Groo had been no exception. But she was still oblivious to the feelings she also might have for the vampire. In retrospect she wondered why it had been such a surprise for her when Groo told her that he was leaving... and why he had put up with being second best for such a long time. She'd never meant to hurt him and he probably knew that.  
  
That evening had been the moment she had finally realized that she was in love with Angel. Cordelia Chase was in love with a vampire - the vampire that happened to be her best friend! Wouldn't that have been front page news back in good old Sunnydale days? She smiled at the memory how she had met him for the very first time at the Bronze. Weird that she still remembered it so clearly after all this time whereas the last ten years went by in such a haze. There wasn't anything special she recalled about her time in New York City, the place she called home now. Home? What did it mean to her anyhow these days? She never felt at home any longer. Never since she ran away that morning.  
  
It had rained fire the night before. Fear and terror had filled the streets. It seemed as if the world was really coming to an end and for once nobody was able to stop it. In a way that was what had happened. The world did come to an end... her world. Because she made a mistake. God, how could she have been so stupid? Even if there really had been no tomorrow, what had made her think that *anything* could make her decision right? Sleeping with Connor had been the most stupid thing she'd ever done. She'd never loved him - not that way. But still they ended up in bed that night. When she woke up the next morning a great numbness overcame her and she realized what she had done. She didn't remember much - just a few things like getting dressed and running outside as fast as she could. It didn't matter where to, her feet just kept on going... By the time she noticed that last night's fire had stopped, she stood in front of the Hyperion. The last place on earth where she wanted to be now. She meant to turn away but right then Gunn left the hotel and was glad to see her alive. He told her that Angel had stopped the Beast just before dawn and took her inside. All kinds of thoughts were rushing through her mind that minute but every single one resulted in the same question, 'How will I ever be able to face him again?' That was when Angel slowly descended the stairs and saw her. He stared at her, paler than usual, the wound on his neck still not completely healed yet and a look in his eyes... a look in his eyes she had never seen before. Then she realized he knew. There was pain, anger, emptiness, disappointment - all mixed together in his eyes... and it killed her that she was the reason. Emotionless he told Gunn to leave them alone for a while and as soon as he was gone, Angel just asked her one thing, 'Why?' She couldn't answer, she couldn't do anything... She didn't know what to say even if she had been able to reply. After a long minute of silence that seemed like eternity he looked her straight in the eyes and said, 'I thought you loved me.' This sentence still haunted her in her dreams, echoed in her mind during the day and reminded her of why she ended up on the other side of the continent - without him. Those were the last words she heard from him because then she ran. Cordelia Chase had never been the one to run and hide. Cordelia Chase had never been the one who didn't know what to say. Cordelia Chase had never been the one to not face a conversation. But that Cordelia Chase died in a rain of fire and only left a girl who betrayed her best friend and the man she really loved. A girl who couldn't handle the look on her lover's face anymore. A girl who ran away that morning - away from L.A., her family and away from him.  
  
'Damn it!' she thought to herself when she felt a single tear on her cheek. It's been such a long time but it still hurt to think about it. It shouldn't have been that way. They should have had a chance after the Powers took her first chance away and Connor dumped him into the ocean. Who was she kidding? She didn't deserve better after what she'd done.  
  
She wondered what would await her in Los Angeles. If Gunn and Fred were married by now. If Wesley was the same good friend to the whole gang again. The way he used to be. If Angel was still living at the Hyperion. If he finally got his reward and became human. And most of all how he would react when he saw her after all these years. Would he still be angry at her? Would he have forgotten her? The only thing she was sure about was that he wouldn't love her anymore. She still did and maybe that was the reason she wanted to come back. She felt she at least needed to say goodbye.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll arrive at Los Angeles International Airport in about 10 minutes."  
  
Time to face the past. 


End file.
